Spilled Milk Under the Bridge
by PSUbrat
Summary: Buffy's thoughts as she stands alone on the porch during "Chosen" - response to yahoo!groups WeBoB summer challenge 1 (2003)


Title:  Spilled Milk Under the Bridge  
Author:  PSUbrat  
Rating:  PG  
Characters:  Buffy  
Challenge:  WeBoB Summer Challenge #1 - Was there something in the finale that you wish you'd seen but didn't? Some scene that was cut short, cut out, or was just never written?  
Disclaimer:  Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon and whomever else he sells her to (sounds like he pimps her out, huh?)…I'm just borrowing her for a while.  
Spoilers:  Everything up to and including the series finale "Chosen".  
Author's Note:  These are the thoughts that went through Buffy's mind when we saw her standing alone on the front porch…  
Feedback:  Yes please, that would be great! (_brat @ psubrat.net_)

Spilled Milk Under the Bridge

Buffy closed her eyes and leaned against the pillar on the front porch, deep in thought.  Tomorrow they would face their hardest battle yet.  Some of the girls would die, maybe even some of her friends.  Was this foolish?  Was she really as insane and out of control as Kennedy and Rona suggested?  No.  This was right.  She could feel it.  Tomorrow they would face the First.  Tomorrow would be D-Day.  D-day?  What exactly did that mean anyway?  She was sure it was something from history; maybe World War II, but she hadn't really paid attention in history class.  It was boring as boring could be, all those dates and names of people long gone.  What person in their right mind needed to know all that stuff?  Certainly not her.  She didn't need to remember such trivial things, not when she had Giles.  After all, she was the Slayer.  The Chosen One.  One Girl in all the World.  Well, two, and if Willow could pull off the biggest spell ever, she would be one of hundreds, if not thousands.  Wow.  That was a scary thought.  She wouldn't be unique anymore.  She could live a normal life.  Damn.  Maybe she should have paid closer attention in her classes.  Oh well, spilled milk under the bridge and everything.

Solemnly she looked up at the stars.  Would this be the last night she saw them, so clear and sparkling?  Would tonight be the last night of her life…again?  God, she hated this, hated the not knowing.  There was a lot she didn't know anymore, things she used to be so sure of, like her love for Angel and her place in this world.  Angel.  Yeah, she used to love him with every fiber of her being but after seeing him last night, kissing him like she did, she realized one thing…she didn't love him like that anymore.  She had grown up and moved on.  Certainly he still held a piece of her heart, but not nearly as big of piece as she once believed.  When had that happened?  When had she stopped feeling those feelings for him?  When had she stopped believing he was her soul mate?  She knew the answers to all of these questions and for the longest time, she just didn't want to admit it because admitting would mean she'd have to face the one thing she feared the most…her feelings for Spike.

Spike.  When had she fallen in love with him?  When had he captured her heart and turned her world upside down?  Had it been the soul?  That had been a big part of things, yes.  He had gotten the soul, for her, because of what he had tried to take from her.  If that didn't impress a girl, then there was just no impressing said girl.  And she had been impressed, amazed actually.  She might come across like the Ice Queen of the Tundra lately, but his actions had melted her heart so much so that she just couldn't think about anything or anyone else, even though she tried…hard.  Spike had done some terrible things in the past, to her – especially to her, and to her friends, but in the end he had done the right thing for the right reasons.  He wanted to be a better man, someone she could love, and she did, love him, with her entire being.  She loved him more than she had ever thought possible…despite the bathroom incident and despite the fact that for over a century he had been a murderer.  She forgave him for those things.  Why?  Because Giles had once told her that forgiveness was an act of compassion so she had given it to him freely, without reservation, not because he deserved it, but because he needed it – and so did she.

She sighed and leaned her head back against the pillar once again.  Funny how all these thoughts floated around one's mind when death was imminent, or at least lurking around the corner like some demon or vampire she had to slay.  Again with the demons and vampires. Would she ever have one night where she never thought of such things?  One night where she could just be a girl in the arms of the man she loved?  Just then a slight breeze picked up, rustled the trees and softly lifted her hair.  It hadn't been a cold breeze but she was chilled just the same.  She rubbed her arms, trying to regain some warmth, but it was impossible.  It wasn't the air that was chilling her to the bone; it was her fear of tomorrow.  It lay in the pit of her stomach like some frozen snowball that just wouldn't melt.

_I touch the fire and it freezes me…_

But that wasn't the case anymore, was it?  No.  Spike was her fire now and his touch melted everything, including her fear and doubt.  She depended on him more than anyone else is that house.  More than Giles.  Even more than her sister and friends.  Spike was her everything.

As the breeze softly blew against her cheek again, she decided that it was time to go inside and find Spike, tell him everything, even though she was afraid…more afraid than facing the First.  But he deserved to know, especially if they didn't make it out of the Hellmouth together.  She needed him to know.

The End


End file.
